Dear God

Hello there! Uhh, I know it's been a while. Do you hate me? :( I'm sorry I've been bitter and for thinking that my prayers are all for nothing. Some days I think of what I'm going through right now as punishment, for me to repent for my mistakes and suffer. But then I think to myself, God doesn't do punishments. Lessons maybe, but never punishments. But still, it's never easy to be all positive and hopeful and be a believer when shit has been coming down on me like crazy. As much as I remind myself that no one ever has it easy for them, that one way or another we're all going through something, it's still hard. For so long I have been a natural at denying my emotions and shoving them into the darkest pit of my consciousness. I disregarded them like a pro and acted like I don't care (especially when I actually did care). For me it was the best way to deal with them. If I overlook them long enough, maybe eventually they'll go away. Into thin air where I shall never, ever have to come face to face with them again. I was such an emotional faker. And for the longest time, I thought I was doing myself good. What the hell, emotions are for weaklings, for babies! I'm the master of my own tears! I can laugh things off when I want to! Fuck off, you pathetic slob of unnecessary feelings!!! 

What I didn't realize though, was that every single time I look away from them, bit by bit my insides are starting to crumble. I was slowly losing my happiness, all because I kept denying my sadness. Because I never took the time to embrace its sharp, painful edges. Because I never realized that it would've made me stronger, my skin thicker and less permeable. I kept running from it so now this was the price I had to pay - a void that is heavier and greater than my being. 

I understand if you feel a little less enthusiastic to help me. It seems like I only remember you when my feet are buried deep. For that I am a terrible person, I'm sorry. And I know we've talked about this countless times and I promised to never fail to remember you, mostly thank you. And I'm not gonna give you lousy excuses anymore. I admit that I didn't keep my side of the bargain.You have been so good to me and yet I was ungrateful, never satisfied, sees life in a sour light. I know it's too bold of me to ask you for help after everything. But I have nowhere else to run to. I mean yeah I have. But the kind of trouble I'm in is incurable by perfunctory taps on the back, neither by lines of it's-gonna-be-okay's. I mean don't get me wrong. I love my friends for always being there. I'm not the easiest person to be friends with so for that alone, I should be eternally thankful. But right now, I need you. You alone. I know you will never let me down. Thank you. And I am sorry.

Promises to be forever grateful,

Abbie