Love vs Labor

My initial reaction when someone accuses me of incapability to love is plain and utter rage. And then disbelief. I mean really? Me? After everything? I'd like to believe I'm doing okay with this whole whatever-you'd-like-to-call-this thing. That's true for most days. But after all that, I cave in and actually end up questioning my track record.

How much is too much? When is enough really enough? 

I am not that spoiled to bail out the very moment I sense potential struggle on my part. If I decide to be in it, I am definitely in it despite any and all possible odds. I can be emotionally malleable if need be. I am willing to bend over backwards just to make something work. I am and can be so many things when it comes to relationships of any sort, but this I am not - a masochist. 

For the record, I am in no way denying the obvious that I have had my share of pain-causing. I admit my words were not always the kindest, my understanding not always largely scoped, my patience not always available. I am not dodging any bullet here. But see, it's only fair to say that there were also a number of things that I did that is not bad or hurtful or resenting. Again, most days I believe I do okay. That I am a good, loving, grateful partner. I wish I could say "that makes two of us". But nah. I may be delusional. Whatevs. 

This war has drawn too much blood already. This has gotten all too exhausting. One can only do so much right? It shouldn't be this hard. I mean yeah, petty fights here and there. That's manageable. Normal, even. But this? This cycle that brings us back to miserable square one is just not right. Any progress ever made gets washed down the drain. It's like unpaid, unrecognized labor. Working for nothing. Where is justice in that? 

And it's just sad the word "labor" was what came into mind.

AnniBirthdaySarry

Birthday slash anniversary date.

Photos were taken through my phone. Can I just say that I am way too amazed by how these photos looked? I mean yeah I edited them but I'm guessing it's because I'm too great a photographer that's why. Ha ha ha.

Went to Bannaple for dinner. We love this place too much. It's so pretty. Anyway, I just kept taking photos I almost didn't touch my food. Haha. So here here! :D

Reader Discretion is Advised

People and the internet. Two things I love to hate.

The amount of amusement I get from my daily dose of good ol' internet lovin' is generally surpassed by how annoyed I could be through the exact same thing. I mean, people can be sooooo annoying! It takes me a huge amount of courage and self worth to post a picture of myself on Facebook. I always take the time to think about how people would react upon seeing it. I wonder if it would be unpleasant for them to scan through that. I wonder if they would find my face yucky. Or the gesture itself as yucky. I mean, who has the patience for im-such-an-attention-seeker photos (and statuses)? I wonder about these things. Some people do not. And that is what bewilders, more so bothers me the most. Where and how do they get the guts? 

I'm all for using the internet as some sort of an outlet for all our emotional crap. It's free, it's accessible. It's like screaming your shit to the open air. But people! Be mindful that others come across what we "share". I am well aware that the first rule to all these is that we are to follow at our own risk. Followers and friends should know what they're getting themselves into. But please. I beg of you to think over what you are about to post. Think it over hard. 

1. Do you take the effort to open your laptop, type in your password, connect to the internet, wait for it to load, only to be burdened by other people? Well neither do I!!

2. If in any case you are to post rants, curses, or to throw mad hate to the world, please make sure that it is still intelligently put as to induce ample amount of amusement to your followers. You vent, we laugh. Win-win.

3. Magtagalog kung hindi sigurado sa grammar. My eyes hurt so much all I can read are the words "trying" and "hard".

4. Again, I have nothing against random, irrelevant posts. I love random as much as I love irrelevant! Great ideas spring from these two. But do you really have the need to announce to the whole virtual world that you are so full of yourself? Silly, your timeline already gave that away.

5. Think about what people would think of you. It all boils down to that. If you are a fearless bastard who does not give a care how you're going to be judged, then post as you please! You deserve a virtual thumbs up for that. But if you are here to feed your starving ego by shoving it to our faces and endlessly seek for approval, just STOP.

Then again, who I am to set the rules in this immense new realm? For all I care, I am just another loser who spends time writing stuff that nobody reads. These are all just reactions. And suggestions, maybe :p 

We have all sorts of reasons why we go to the internet. Some of which I may never come to understand. Yes, most I despise but at the end of the day, all these are backed up by personal agendas. I am beyond sure that my posts here may seem just as irritating to some as they are to me. I get it, I don't mind. That's what block, unfriend, and unfollow buttons are for. I guess all I'm saying is I wish people would take the time to consider how it would all look like in a different perspective, aside from their own. See unlike diaries, internet has readers. Like billions of them.

REBEL YELL

Cheesey

I can't believe it's been one year already! Well actually it won't be until the 4th of September. Which also happens to be my birthday yaaay! But since I'm in a best-girlfriend-in-the-world kind of mood, I pulled an all-nighter to make a video (pfft it's nothing much, just me being awesome). All videos were taken earlier today. This was supposed to be a surprise, but there's not much room for discretion since he was the one being video-d so yeah do the math.

But despite this exemplary, diabetic-inducing gesture, don't expect me to be like "OMG we're super perfect like for each other like". Because boy! Was that one rough year! We drove each other crazy! We were in each other's nerves almost all the time. Individually, we were emotional screw ups. Imagine the fun when you put two together. I was having a hard time shouldering his sensitivities and he was struggling to be thick-skinned with mine. It was a seemingly hopeless case. *insert adorable sighing emoticon here*

But see, I'd be lying if I say that it was all about struggles. Well duh we wouldn't have reached one year if that were true. Diba? In a twisted way, we click. It's hard to explain. You know when they say that's it's good when two people have so much in common? Well Raffy is me, in pants. Again yeah, the similarity has stirred countless issues. But at the end of the day, we get each other. We can laugh over dark, depressing humor. We get each other's kinks. I can read him like a toddler's book. When I'm acting like a toddler, he knows just what to say. We enjoy being bored together. Everyday we see each other,  never running out things to talk and brood about. I am his cheerleader, he is my shrink. 

The whole equation of us is strange. Some may not see the point. It's unconventional. It's painful. It's crazy. It's a constant roller coaster. But through all that, it's the kind that you never can leave behind. Like a drug. Him and me, we just can't get enough of each other. Oh and have I mentioned that I love him? Like a lot. Well not like it's that big of a deal.

The Shrink and the Chef. Man, that was lousy.

Moonleaf

On a friend's birthday...

And another's.

Naga City 2012

Once there were two sober people. And then they were not.

Mall. Mirror. Picture. Like normal people, yes.

Who wouldn't love someone with a face like that?

Baccalaureate Mass

Graduation day YIPEE!!!

Went out to get haircuts. We're romantic like that.

Tagaytay

Piano Recital. Status: Proud Girlfriend

Love yew!

Dear God

Hello there! Uhh, I know it's been a while. Do you hate me? :( I'm sorry I've been bitter and for thinking that my prayers are all for nothing. Some days I think of what I'm going through right now as punishment, for me to repent for my mistakes and suffer. But then I think to myself, God doesn't do punishments. Lessons maybe, but never punishments. But still, it's never easy to be all positive and hopeful and be a believer when shit has been coming down on me like crazy. As much as I remind myself that no one ever has it easy for them, that one way or another we're all going through something, it's still hard. For so long I have been a natural at denying my emotions and shoving them into the darkest pit of my consciousness. I disregarded them like a pro and acted like I don't care (especially when I actually did care). For me it was the best way to deal with them. If I overlook them long enough, maybe eventually they'll go away. Into thin air where I shall never, ever have to come face to face with them again. I was such an emotional faker. And for the longest time, I thought I was doing myself good. What the hell, emotions are for weaklings, for babies! I'm the master of my own tears! I can laugh things off when I want to! Fuck off, you pathetic slob of unnecessary feelings!!! 

What I didn't realize though, was that every single time I look away from them, bit by bit my insides are starting to crumble. I was slowly losing my happiness, all because I kept denying my sadness. Because I never took the time to embrace its sharp, painful edges. Because I never realized that it would've made me stronger, my skin thicker and less permeable. I kept running from it so now this was the price I had to pay - a void that is heavier and greater than my being. 

I understand if you feel a little less enthusiastic to help me. It seems like I only remember you when my feet are buried deep. For that I am a terrible person, I'm sorry. And I know we've talked about this countless times and I promised to never fail to remember you, mostly thank you. And I'm not gonna give you lousy excuses anymore. I admit that I didn't keep my side of the bargain.You have been so good to me and yet I was ungrateful, never satisfied, sees life in a sour light. I know it's too bold of me to ask you for help after everything. But I have nowhere else to run to. I mean yeah I have. But the kind of trouble I'm in is incurable by perfunctory taps on the back, neither by lines of it's-gonna-be-okay's. I mean don't get me wrong. I love my friends for always being there. I'm not the easiest person to be friends with so for that alone, I should be eternally thankful. But right now, I need you. You alone. I know you will never let me down. Thank you. And I am sorry.

Promises to be forever grateful,

Abbie

Oh Girl

Soooo... Yeaaahh... I was bored... BAM! Another cover. 

http://soundcloud.com/abbiwankenobi/girl-the-beatles-cover

Singing Parrot

WHAT: Cover of Bon Iver's Flume

BY WHO: Me! HAH!

Being the talented musician that I am (HAHAHAHA) I decided to do some recording. Thank you very much to my super cool ipod nano! But this is just an audio since I am not quite ready for the world to see how much of an idiot I look like when I sing. Goofy gorilla. Enough said.


Anyway here's Bon Iver doing his thing. I am well aware that this sloppy record of mine will NEVER in a million years live up to this. But who says I'm trying to?

WHY THIS SONG:  You know that feeling you get when you're on youtube on a very random day, you scan through very random videos, juggling through very random artists and then BAM! You come across Bon Iver and suddenly it's not so random anymore! 

Blood Bank was the first song of him that I heard. And then Flume. I am, to say the least, in love with these two. Who I am kidding, i love every Bon freaking Iver song! 

That was a year ago. I cannot quite fathom the words to describe the feeling I got, but it lies in the fine line between having your soul sucked down to the deepest of the deep, and having it shot up to the farthest and highest stretch of the universe. I'm blabbering, I know. But it's really a crazy feeling, getting to hear songs like this. It's the kind that makes you wanna sob in sadness; the kind that makes you feel actual throbbing in your heart; the kind that brings you inside the artist's body, as though you are going through the same, exact thing as he is; the kind that through and despite the pain, leaves you on a trance - ALL AT ONCE. AMAZING is what it is!

And so I found myself obsessing over this Bon Iver guy and voila! Me = doing a cover.

Disclaimer: I never said this was good. You have been warned.

http://soundcloud.com/abbiwankenobi/flume-bon-iver-cover