Seed talk.

When I was younger, I was taught how and why I should pray. For one, they said praying was sort of like a thank you note you pass on to "Him"  for all the good things that came. Also, you pray that more will come. Thay say that if you just pray hard enough, there will be no chance in hell that you don't get whatever it is that your dreaming (or dreading) of. So I prayed.

Growing up, I learned that we are, in some ways, the masters of our own ships. Simply put, we are what we do. We become what we try to become. Great things in life are like plants- you gotta start with picking what kind of seed you'd like to grow. And then, you stick it to the ground. Then you water it and nurture it and you see how it goes from there. You do your best for your seed to really, truly become a beautiful plant. And so I watered my yet-to-be-born seed.

Two years ago, a man came up to me and offered to give me a seed. I got all excited and even back then, I loved it. The idea of it, all things about it! I pictured just how perfectly it would look when it grows up. How proud people are going to be when they hear that irresponsible Aubrey (finally!) has grown a plant. That for once, I did something without being overly-dependent on my Dad or my Grandma or a friend. 

And then I got scared. The fear rushed in as quickly as the excitement came and gone. What if I can't do it? What if I put everybody's hopes up, MY hopes up, and end up with nothing? What if I'm not ready? After all, I don't know a single thing about seeds, for gods's sake! I got scared that if I take it, I might not be able to make it grow. I was scared that I was not nearly good enough to deserve a seed. I was scared but still, I braved it all and took it. I thought, maybe this is my chance. Like a theater debut to prove to the audience that the script writer can also be THE lead star. I wasn't sure if I could count myself on this, but still, I TOOK IT. I took it because I've learned to love it even at that early stage. And when I love, I put all of me in it and I teach myself whatever it takes to keep it alive. So I thought, I'll give it shot. Probably, the best shot I have given and will give.

What I have learned when I was kid and growing up, I tried to do it with this. I prayed that when the time comes that the seed gets handed to me by that man, I'll be able to make it work. I showed that man that I am on my way to being ready to anything life throws at me. May it be a tiny rock, or a giant octopus, just bring it on bitch! I prepared. I read any goddamn book I could get about growing a goddamn seed. I made sure that Mister sees all that. So that maybe, he'll realize that I am, after all, ready and capable. I really thought I was able to make him see. Then again, I guess I was wrong.

Two years. For two years I was putting all my heart into that seed yet to be grown. Two friggin year. So now, I guess there wouldn't be much surprise when I say that... there's no chance anymore that I'm getting that seed. (Sigh) And I'm old enough to have heard all those petty talks about everything coming to an end before it even started or about not always getting what you want. But hey. Who would be the first one to know when you're ready? Who would be your greatest witness as to what you CAN actually do? Wouldn't it be, no one else, but you? So when people shove it to your face that you're no good, do you believe in them?

Being fatter than the girl next to you doesn't mean you're fat. You are just not stick thin like her. Just as not being the best does not mean you're the worst. I've given it a lot of thought. I think (no, scratch that. I KNOW) I am good. Maybe not great, but good. Probably MORE THAN good. And when some people don't see that, it's frustrating and depressing and it just makes you feel bad about yourself. How do you make people see more of what you can do when you've dealt all your cards already, damit!

A few days after the news came to me, I am now on the process of trying to take in the fact that my dream of seed-raising is not gonna happen any time soon. After all, I've been through helluva lot of all sorts of letdown. Seriously, this should be common to me already. Seriously. But can I do it? Can I look into everyone's eyes and pronounce to them this (tah-dah!) yet-another defeat? Can I tell them that, once again, all their hopes are going down the drain? Can I really do that to them now after all the confidence they have given me? Would they believe me if I say that I did my bestest and that I did what they always told me to do, pray? Would they agree with me when I say that I believe I'm good, but different circumstances just got in the way?

How do I look into their eyes and tell them that their life-long dream of putting that amazingly beautiful, flowery plant on the front porch and bragging to everyone that, fucking finally, Aubrey did something ... Is. Now. Dead? Would there be an easy way to do that? Would there be?