I need something to believe in. I'm like a dead person walking around the streets not knowing where to go and feeling like nothing's right with what I'm doing. Like this isn't supposed to be happening. (Well for starters, dead people shouldn't really be walking.)
No, seriously! I need something to believe in! In math (I forgot what it's called), you have that thing/ line where one side's all positive, zero goes in the middle, and then the other half's all negative. Guess where I stand.-- on the NEGATIVE SIDE. Now why didn't that sound like so much of a surprise! Before I go on, let me give out a big, fat sigh on that.
Now where am I again? Oh yeah. Soo... I'm on vacation with my grandma and we're here in dad's place. The first time grandma set foot on his office, she swore she had "goosebumps all over" because she felt like "someone was watching her". I asked the people living nearby if they ever felt the same. And they, too, "swore" that that hair behind their necks rise every single time they come here. And yes, I am here now. In this allegedly-haunted place. Which isn't very uncommon, knowing that this is the first place I go to when I wake up because the TV and computer are both here.
And so that's the thing. While everyone's all creeped out about this place, I am not. Everyone believes there's "something" in here, and I don't. And that is my problem. I can't even make myself believe in ghosts anymore! Or those unseen forces. Or that good things come to those who wait. Or that something great is destined for me. Or that I am destined FOR something. Or that love is so great and magical, you can't even describe it anymore. Now all I could think of when you say love is, Is it even real?
I don't know anymore. I used to be that girl who, despite letdown after letdown, still manages to be positive on things and... believe. I used to be the kind that would stay up late at night and think about all the better things that would come my way and why the other thing I wished for isn't good enough for me. And I'll sleep with a happy heart knowing that when I wake up, it's gonna be better. That everything's going to be better.
Or so I thought.
Well I guess I've ran out of that positivity. I guess my belief in things got scratched and worn like an old record you love so much that just won't work anymore beacuse it got broken. Time itself made the verdict- time for you to drop it, you dumb ass. There's really nothing you could do about that. Except maybe to find another record to play over and over again.
Maybe the idea of a dead person walking is way better than the whole idea of my existence. Atleast they don't get to think about all these things. Atleast they don't get to be sad, or be happy, or feel anything at all. Atleast they don't need to believe in anything anymore. They just walk around, acting like they don't give a crap about the world around them.
But they're dead. I'm not. And so I still need something to belive in.
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