So would you rather be a zombie?

I need something to believe in. I'm like a dead person walking around the streets not knowing where to go and feeling like nothing's right with what I'm doing. Like this isn't supposed to be happening. (Well for starters, dead people shouldn't really be walking.)

No, seriously! I need something to believe in! In math (I forgot what it's called), you have that thing/ line where one side's all positive, zero goes in the middle, and then the other half's all negative. Guess where I stand.-- on the NEGATIVE SIDE. Now why didn't that sound like so much of a surprise! Before I go on, let me give out a big, fat sigh on that.

Now where am I again? Oh yeah. Soo... I'm on vacation with my grandma and we're here in dad's place. The first time grandma set foot on his office, she swore she had "goosebumps all over" because she felt like "someone was watching her". I asked the people living nearby if they ever felt the same. And they, too, "swore" that that hair behind their necks rise every single time they come here. And yes, I am here now. In this allegedly-haunted place. Which isn't very uncommon, knowing that this is the first place I go to when I wake up because the TV and computer are both here.

And so that's the thing. While everyone's all creeped out about this place, I am not. Everyone believes there's "something" in here, and I don't. And that is my problem. I can't even make myself believe in ghosts anymore! Or those unseen forces. Or that good things come to those who wait. Or that something great is destined for me. Or that I am destined FOR something. Or that love is so great and magical, you can't even describe it anymore. Now all I could think of when you say love is, Is it even real?

I don't know anymore. I used to be that girl who, despite letdown after letdown, still manages to be positive on things and... believe. I used to be the kind that would stay up late at night and think about all the better things that would come my way and why the other thing I wished for isn't good enough for me. And I'll sleep with a happy heart knowing that when I wake up, it's gonna be better. That everything's going to be better.

Or so I thought.

Well I guess I've ran out of that positivity. I guess my belief in things got scratched and worn like an old record you love so much that just won't work anymore beacuse it got broken. Time itself made the verdict- time for you to drop it, you dumb ass. There's really nothing you could do about that. Except maybe to find another record to play over and over again.

Maybe the idea of a dead person walking is way better than the whole idea of my existence. Atleast they don't get to think about all these things. Atleast they don't get to be sad, or be happy, or feel anything at all. Atleast they don't need to believe in anything anymore. They just walk around, acting like they don't give a crap about the world around them.

But they're dead. I'm not. And so I still need something to belive in.

Seed talk.

When I was younger, I was taught how and why I should pray. For one, they said praying was sort of like a thank you note you pass on to "Him"  for all the good things that came. Also, you pray that more will come. Thay say that if you just pray hard enough, there will be no chance in hell that you don't get whatever it is that your dreaming (or dreading) of. So I prayed.

Growing up, I learned that we are, in some ways, the masters of our own ships. Simply put, we are what we do. We become what we try to become. Great things in life are like plants- you gotta start with picking what kind of seed you'd like to grow. And then, you stick it to the ground. Then you water it and nurture it and you see how it goes from there. You do your best for your seed to really, truly become a beautiful plant. And so I watered my yet-to-be-born seed.

Two years ago, a man came up to me and offered to give me a seed. I got all excited and even back then, I loved it. The idea of it, all things about it! I pictured just how perfectly it would look when it grows up. How proud people are going to be when they hear that irresponsible Aubrey (finally!) has grown a plant. That for once, I did something without being overly-dependent on my Dad or my Grandma or a friend. 

And then I got scared. The fear rushed in as quickly as the excitement came and gone. What if I can't do it? What if I put everybody's hopes up, MY hopes up, and end up with nothing? What if I'm not ready? After all, I don't know a single thing about seeds, for gods's sake! I got scared that if I take it, I might not be able to make it grow. I was scared that I was not nearly good enough to deserve a seed. I was scared but still, I braved it all and took it. I thought, maybe this is my chance. Like a theater debut to prove to the audience that the script writer can also be THE lead star. I wasn't sure if I could count myself on this, but still, I TOOK IT. I took it because I've learned to love it even at that early stage. And when I love, I put all of me in it and I teach myself whatever it takes to keep it alive. So I thought, I'll give it shot. Probably, the best shot I have given and will give.

What I have learned when I was kid and growing up, I tried to do it with this. I prayed that when the time comes that the seed gets handed to me by that man, I'll be able to make it work. I showed that man that I am on my way to being ready to anything life throws at me. May it be a tiny rock, or a giant octopus, just bring it on bitch! I prepared. I read any goddamn book I could get about growing a goddamn seed. I made sure that Mister sees all that. So that maybe, he'll realize that I am, after all, ready and capable. I really thought I was able to make him see. Then again, I guess I was wrong.

Two years. For two years I was putting all my heart into that seed yet to be grown. Two friggin year. So now, I guess there wouldn't be much surprise when I say that... there's no chance anymore that I'm getting that seed. (Sigh) And I'm old enough to have heard all those petty talks about everything coming to an end before it even started or about not always getting what you want. But hey. Who would be the first one to know when you're ready? Who would be your greatest witness as to what you CAN actually do? Wouldn't it be, no one else, but you? So when people shove it to your face that you're no good, do you believe in them?

Being fatter than the girl next to you doesn't mean you're fat. You are just not stick thin like her. Just as not being the best does not mean you're the worst. I've given it a lot of thought. I think (no, scratch that. I KNOW) I am good. Maybe not great, but good. Probably MORE THAN good. And when some people don't see that, it's frustrating and depressing and it just makes you feel bad about yourself. How do you make people see more of what you can do when you've dealt all your cards already, damit!

A few days after the news came to me, I am now on the process of trying to take in the fact that my dream of seed-raising is not gonna happen any time soon. After all, I've been through helluva lot of all sorts of letdown. Seriously, this should be common to me already. Seriously. But can I do it? Can I look into everyone's eyes and pronounce to them this (tah-dah!) yet-another defeat? Can I tell them that, once again, all their hopes are going down the drain? Can I really do that to them now after all the confidence they have given me? Would they believe me if I say that I did my bestest and that I did what they always told me to do, pray? Would they agree with me when I say that I believe I'm good, but different circumstances just got in the way?

How do I look into their eyes and tell them that their life-long dream of putting that amazingly beautiful, flowery plant on the front porch and bragging to everyone that, fucking finally, Aubrey did something ... Is. Now. Dead? Would there be an easy way to do that? Would there be?